Mother’s Day again

I started writing this week about my youngest and how hard she has been lately, mostly to remind myself this is a phase and we will get through it. It’s hard to recognize that sometimes. By the third kid you would think that I would know this. But when you’re in it and every second is a battle and every night is longer than the day, it’s hard to see the big picture. I was resenting Mother’s Day because really what is a Day. Moms deserve so much more and a day where we are supposed to be told we are loved and cherished seems silly. Then something happened. I thought about a friend of mine who lost her daughter at the very same age Vera is now. I thought of my aunt who lost my cousin when she was 22. I thought of my own mom and aunt and how they didn’t have their mom, I think of my friends who would give anything to be rocking a baby to sleep all night.

I’m a big believer in that everyone has their own battles. I don’t believe in the my life is harder than you’re life because I work, because I don’t work, because I breastfeed, because I’m poor, because my kids don’t sleep, because mine are older or younger, or there’s more of mine. Motherhood is hard, it’s busy, it’s never ending. But how lucky are we to have this love. To have our kids, healthy, and busy, and whole, and here.

Being a mom is probably the most exhausting job. It’s all day, all night, forever. Even when we aren’t physically taking care of them, they are on our mind as we are always planning, worrying, deciding. As I struggled with my little ones sleep a few nights ago, I felt angry and mad that sleeping is so hard for her. These moms and moms who want to be came into my mind and I was finally able to feel her little body in my arms, hear her breaths slow as she drifted back to sleep, and appreciate the moment for all that it was.

In the morning, not sure I’d be able to open my eyes never mind start the day, my little almost 2 year old wrapped her chubby little fingers and arms around me leaned into me and said ‘ I love you mommy,’ and suddenly it was all okay.

Stages and phases

It’s 2:00 am I’ve just got the baby settled and closed my eyes. My door opens and light floods in from the hallway, crap, ‘hi mommy can I sleep in your bed?.’ As he crawls in making himself at home in our already tight queen sized bed. I sigh and make room rolling over while I grumble at myself for never have the nerve to ‘sleep train him.’ Out of mostly pure laziness I chose to co-sleep with my kids because rolling and over and whipping out your boob seems so much easier than getting up and nursing the baby in ‘gasp’ a chair. I don’t know how people do it. But alas 4 years later and my kids still prefer to sleep with us so I don’t know how I do it either. 

I get us all settled as my husband’s snores taunt me. ‘I’m sleeping you’re not, you’ll never sleep again. I sleep every night’ they seem to say. It’s not the actual sound of the snoring I despise but the knowledge that he can sleep through baby cries, the 4 year old crawling over him, and okay me hitting him that really irks me the most. We all fall asleep. 4 am cries over the monitor ‘moooommmmy I need to get out of here.’ I get up grab him and bring him into the bed that is starting to overfill. Where can I fit him and why the heck do we even have a house with three bedrooms? I make room at the end of the bed. ‘Look! Your very own spot!’ He seems appeased and quickly goes back to sleep. 

As I nurse the baby back to sleep I am now wide awake. I look around at all my babies and smile. I secretly love having them all with me safe and sound except for the fact I now have approximately 2 inches of space. I used to get frustrated and mad that I didn’t have the type of kids that sleep nicely in their beds from 7-7 (it seems so foreign this exists). But I know even in my short 4 years of motherhood how quickly it goes. When you’re in the trenches like this it feels impossible to get your head above water and take a breath. Sometimes it’s these 4 am moments where I’m finally able to think and breath. I look at my 4 year old and know that soon he won’t have the need to snuggle me at night it’s already getting less and less. My two year old won’t always wake up at 4 needing reassurance. My 4 month old won’t nurse forever. So yes this stage is tough but it’s just a short blip, a small phase that I’ll forget even happened soon enough. So in the morning when my husband pretends he was up all night because of the kids and suggests we do something about it, I’ll secretly roll my eyes, pat him on the back and say ‘sure, we’ll figure something out.’ knowing I already have.