It’s 2:00 am I’ve just got the baby settled and closed my eyes. My door opens and light floods in from the hallway, crap, ‘hi mommy can I sleep in your bed?.’ As he crawls in making himself at home in our already tight queen sized bed. I sigh and make room rolling over while I grumble at myself for never have the nerve to ‘sleep train him.’ Out of mostly pure laziness I chose to co-sleep with my kids because rolling and over and whipping out your boob seems so much easier than getting up and nursing the baby in ‘gasp’ a chair. I don’t know how people do it. But alas 4 years later and my kids still prefer to sleep with us so I don’t know how I do it either.
I get us all settled as my husband’s snores taunt me. ‘I’m sleeping you’re not, you’ll never sleep again. I sleep every night’ they seem to say. It’s not the actual sound of the snoring I despise but the knowledge that he can sleep through baby cries, the 4 year old crawling over him, and okay me hitting him that really irks me the most. We all fall asleep. 4 am cries over the monitor ‘moooommmmy I need to get out of here.’ I get up grab him and bring him into the bed that is starting to overfill. Where can I fit him and why the heck do we even have a house with three bedrooms? I make room at the end of the bed. ‘Look! Your very own spot!’ He seems appeased and quickly goes back to sleep.
As I nurse the baby back to sleep I am now wide awake. I look around at all my babies and smile. I secretly love having them all with me safe and sound except for the fact I now have approximately 2 inches of space. I used to get frustrated and mad that I didn’t have the type of kids that sleep nicely in their beds from 7-7 (it seems so foreign this exists). But I know even in my short 4 years of motherhood how quickly it goes. When you’re in the trenches like this it feels impossible to get your head above water and take a breath. Sometimes it’s these 4 am moments where I’m finally able to think and breath. I look at my 4 year old and know that soon he won’t have the need to snuggle me at night it’s already getting less and less. My two year old won’t always wake up at 4 needing reassurance. My 4 month old won’t nurse forever. So yes this stage is tough but it’s just a short blip, a small phase that I’ll forget even happened soon enough. So in the morning when my husband pretends he was up all night because of the kids and suggests we do something about it, I’ll secretly roll my eyes, pat him on the back and say ‘sure, we’ll figure something out.’ knowing I already have.