My husband is my third child and other truths…

Saturday morning all I wanted was a quick solo trip to the grocery store to grab a few necessitys (the word necessitys is foreshadowing…) My husband upon hearing this had the great idea that we all go, he must be concerned about all the alone time I’ve been getting (roughly 5 minutes a week). So stupidly, naively, I agree. An hour later we were in the car and I’m already thinking how I would have already been home a half an hour ago had I stuck with my original plan. 
As we pull up to the store I realize it’s going to be a shitshow. Both kids are clamoring for daddy to take them in, I’m immediately suspicious. After I waddle my pregnant self in a good two minutes behind them I see why. The boys have already convinced him there’s no need for them to sit in a shopping cart, they’ve rented a red box movie, and they’ve put sugary sports drinks in the cart. Damn my waddle.
We set forth ‘just need to grab some milk and butter first!’ I waddle as fast as my swollen feet can take me, meaning 90 year old women are passing me by like they’re training for the marathon, all the while silently praying there will be no extra purchases along the way. ‘Come on guys almost there.’ Silence ‘crap’I turn around to see my three kids the 3 year old, the 2 year old, and the 34 year old have stopped to look at superhero cups. ‘They’re only a dollar!’ the 34 year old tells me excitedly. 10 minutes later and too many arguments to count about which super hero cups they needed were off again. 
We grab the milk and butter and before I can put them in the cart the grocery store terrors have taken off. As they terrorize everyone they pass while I frantically waddle behind, all the while calling ‘honey, grab their hands’ trying to disguise my utter annoyance at the 34 year old lest the other shoppers have a front row seat to a full out argument. I now see my actual children have grabbed fly swatters and are hitting each other as well as threatening innocent bystanders. ‘Hooooooonnnneyyyy!!! Grab those from them’ my voice begins to raise a few octaves and I’m realizing there’s going to be no saving this situation. 
  2 year old threatening bystanders, 3 year old going in for the kill. 34 year old LAUGHING, horrified bystanders judging. Pregnant mom waddling behind. 

We make it through the rest of the trip relatively without incident. My husband/child chooses self checkout as the kids clamor to see who can climb up on it first. There’s no hiding my anger now ‘get them down!’ No one listens… ‘Please get them down.’ Silence.

  The youngest ‘helping.’

My 3 year old starts using the credit card reader as his own personal fisher price toy and when I start to envision him breaking it and me paying for it I swoop him up and put him in the cart I grab the second and do the same. 
The woman bagging our groceries says to my youngest ‘what’s that on your face, did you have doughnuts?!’ No lady it’s smeared, dried, boogers I silently respond. She asks him for a high five with the hand that smeared those boogers. Outwardly I smile and nod, it’s all I have left. Next week I’m going alone. 


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